If a Pollster Called Me Today

Pollster:  This is ACME Polling Company. We're conducting a poll on the presidential election in Virginia. If the election were held today, would you vote for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?

Me:  Well that depends. In your scenario, who was leading in the last poll out of Utah?

Pollster:  Sir, you live in Virginia. Who would you vote for?

Me:  My vote depends on two conditions: who is ahead in Utah and whether Virginia is in the margin of error. 

Pollster:  So you're undecided?

Me:  Oh no. I know exactly what I'm going to do on Election Day. It just depends on those two conditions. 

Pollster:  Are you voting for Trump?

Me:  If Evan McMullin is ahead in Utah and Virginia is in the margin of error

Pollster:  Are you voting for Clinton?

Me:  Over my dead body. 

Pollster:  So you're writing in Ewan McGregor?

Me:  I said Evan McMullin. 

Pollster:  I've never even heard of that guy. 

Me:  Not many people have. But no, if I want Evan McMullin to win, it's better that I not vote for him. 

Pollster:  I'm sorry, have you been drinking or doing drugs?  Because that will invalidate my poll results. 

Me:  No. I'm perfectly sober. You see, McMullin has no chance to win in Virginia. His best shot is to win Utah and hope that neither Clinton nor Trump get 270 votes in the Electoral College. So it's better that I not vote for him in Virginia. 

Pollster:  Then you are voting for Trump. 

Me:  Not necessarily. You see, I can't abide the man. So if I can avoid voting for that's my preference. I'm only voting for him if McMullin is ahead in Utah and Virginia is within the margin of error. 

Pollster:  So then you're voting for McGregor. 

Me:  McMullin. But no. You see my heart is with Gary Johnson. 

Pollster:  But you are using your vote to try to help Ewan McGregor to win?

Me:  Evan McMullin. Yeah, it's the best shot to defeating Trump and Hillary. 

Pollster:  With only one state?

Me:  Right. If he gets votes in the Electoral College and if no one else gets a majority of the Electoral College, then when the House votes they can choose from the top three vote getters in the Electoral College. 

Pollster:   You're joking. 

Me:  No. Read the Twelfth Amendment of the Constitution. 

Pollster:  I'm sorry. I don't have a box for that. I'm putting you down as undecided. 

Me:  Well if you're going to do that, then put me down for Jill Stein. 

Pollster:  I'm not asking anymore. Goodbye.

By:  William J. Kovatch, Jr.